I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
