The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
