Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
