Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
