i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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