I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
