who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
