You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
