You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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