i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
