my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
