what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
