It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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