is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
