I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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