Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
