Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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