So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
