Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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