last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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