Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
