She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
