I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
