My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
