it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
