I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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