you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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