I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
