hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
