Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
