I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
