he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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