P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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