Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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