Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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