There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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