He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
