Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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