Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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