im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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