Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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