I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
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I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
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Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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