One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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