He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
