it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
