Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
