What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
