When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
