This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
