The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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