My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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