my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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