He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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