I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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