I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
