when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.