My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
