I am in a vortex of obligation.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
