chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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